just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
