if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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