Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
