He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
