Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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