9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
