I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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