I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
