she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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