Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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