Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
