I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
