you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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