My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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