So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
