He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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