I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
