I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
