the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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