I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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