she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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