You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
