I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
birth control should be required to get into college
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
