I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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