i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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