nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
