At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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