How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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