I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
