Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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