If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
