People in love make me want to vomit
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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