I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse