I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now