I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
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All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
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the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him