PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
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Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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