i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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