nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
