She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize