this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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