I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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