All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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