At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
