Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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