I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
