Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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