Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
