i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
