I'm going to jail i love you
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
