I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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