i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
