I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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