I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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