you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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