No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
