Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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