i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
