Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
